MACKY DIAZ
“I no longer struggle with the needy feeling that drove me into relationships with men and women. I am happy and whole.”
I grew up believing in God and did all the things that Christians do. As a young woman, I married a man and had a daughter with him. In 1996, that marriage ended and I found myself in another relationship with a man who was abusive. When I got out of that relationship, I made a decision: That’s it. I keep choosing the wrong men and being in bad relationships because I am gay. So I came out of the closet at 30 years old. I proudly carried the label of lesbian for 12 years. That label did not have the power to make me happy, though. I was still going from relationship to relationship, unhappy and unfulfilled. My heart was broken. I could never find satisfying answers to the questions everyone asks: “Who am I?” and “Who do I belong to?” Every relationship ended with me feeling empty.
One night, while living with a girlfriend of five years, I woke up crying hysterically. I tried to be quiet so I wouldn’t wake my girlfriend, but I felt such an overwhelming presence of love in the room. I immediately knew that something had changed. I knew I was loved and would never be alone. I felt different. So the very next day, I packed up all my favorite things and moved out of my girlfriend’s home. My daughter, who had started going to church and building her own relationship with God, had been praying for me. The church she had been going to also decided to pray for me. After leaving my girlfriend, the questions that haunted me before began to be answered. I started going to this church, and they supported, loved and accepted me. I began to listen to every teaching and message I could find about identity and God. The transformation was truly miraculous.
Today, my life is completely different. Sometimes my friends don’t even recognize me. I used to be extremely needy, couldn’t sleep without the TV on, and tried to force people to love me in the way I wanted to be loved. Now, I have no problem being alone; in fact, I enjoy it. I feel loved, valued, and like I belong. I don’t feel like anything is missing. I no longer struggle with the needy feeling that drove me into relationships with men and women. I am happy and whole. I understand who I am now and where I belong.
