PHILLIP LEE
“Culture told me I was born with same-sex attraction and that I couldn’t change. But I’m now approaching 33 years of a very changed and more fulfilling life.”
s a former homosexual, I know this topic from the inside out. For years I struggled with unwanted same-sex attraction and eventually gave in to the notion that "once gay, always gay." Culture told me I was born with same-sex attraction and that I couldn’t change.
Like many others, I had a sense from a young age that something wasn't quite right. As childhood rolled into my teens, the difference I felt became a reality. I was homosexual. On the outside, I looked successful. I had a killer wardrobe, traveled to exotic places, had beautiful friends and an income that supported my party life and hard drugs. But I remember often thinking, This isn’t the way I should be.
It took hitting rock bottom before I could look up. One night I was sitting in my apartment. I looked around at all my expensive things: my new car, the closets full of clothes, the displayed artwork. With another glance, I realized I had enormous debt, a body riddled with drugs, not a friend in sight, and the absence of any hope. Sitting there with my eyes closed, I heard myself say, “God, I am going down for the last count. If you’re there and listening, please….”
I remember a bright light penetrating my tightly shut eyes.
I felt an embrace around me, and all the things I felt caught in seemed to drop to the floor. Immediately, I wanted to go to church. That was definitely a major surprise, if not a miracle. It was October 5th, 1985.
At church for the first time, I found pastors that I felt safe enough to share my journey with. They counseled and mentored me back into wholeness. Books from those who had stepped out of homosexuality also gave me the guidance I sought and helped me find a way forward.
During the first six months after I decided to pursue change, I stopped doing all drugs and totally removed myself from all associations with homosexual activity. The 35 years prior to my conversion were difficult, to say the least. But I’m now approaching 33 years of a very changed and more fulfilling life.
In 1993, I was diagnosed with the AIDS virus. After many years of celibacy, I thought I had escaped the possibility. There have been times of frustration and fear since, but instead of hopelessness, I now fully enjoy my life and look forward to the future.
